“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
This kinda thing happens to me often
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.