Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
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Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
This is my bus stop.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”