Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Accurate
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?