Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
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[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.