My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
can’t catch a break
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Make new friends? bro out of what?
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.