The glockness monster
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My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The only equipped I am is ill.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
January has been Januweary
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
what it’s like dating me:
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*