I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
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My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
found my next D&D character name
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
What personal space?
My dog
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.