I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Ha
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.