Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?