an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever