Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes