HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?