I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
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I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??