Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
How long do you have to wait between naps?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.