she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
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My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
No. He’s not coming out to play
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]