[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
absolutely not
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth