*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.