Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
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Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs