My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.