if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
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Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…