Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Aight bet
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk