I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
You Might Also Like
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Autocorrect completely socks
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend