If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.