Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
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Aw man, but that’s the best part
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.