Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
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*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Meow
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.