host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
everyone has that one prude friend
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.