Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
OH. COME. ON.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes