One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
You Might Also Like
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
😂💯
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.