Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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so weird how every mom was born today
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
asking santa clause for nudes
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.