Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
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If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!