Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end