count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
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I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine