Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.