This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
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Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s