Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
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Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees