My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
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Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician