[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Xylophonist Shredding It
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??