I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
That took me a moment.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.