Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing