Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
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I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲