My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
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Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.