“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
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[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
smh
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her