You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
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[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Baking is just science you can eat.
adding to the discourse
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.