You Might Also Like
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Meat Cute
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
The Onion called it…again.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.