“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?