Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
You Might Also Like
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When I said I liked it rough.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
2 years later
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training