My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray