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HEYYYY MACARENA
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Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”