Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
You Might Also Like
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩