Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
She puts the hot in psychotic
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland